Answering Your Anonymous Questions About Sex and Relationships After Seven Years of Marriage

Every year on our wedding anniversary, I write an article documenting the discoveries we’ve made in the past year about our relationship and each other.

I’ve written six of these articles thus far, and with the seventh, I decided to try something a little different.

Instead of grouping the article into pre-determined categories, I opened up the curation of topics to my audience. In May of this year, I let my Instagram followers submit anonymous questions about our relationship they’d like me to cover in this year’s article. 

I let people submit the questions anonymously because – as you’ll see – the questions address some pretty sensitive topics, and I felt that people would be more forthcoming with their questions if they knew could ask them behind the cloak of anonymity. 

We received dozens of questions, and for the purpose of this article, I selected nine that I felt would be the most relevant, helpful, and interesting. Also, for the first time in this series, Shannon will chime in with her own thoughts and perspective when she felt it was appropriate (her contributions will be the blocks of text in italics).

Before we get started, I just want to say that we’re not licensed professionals. The answers that follow aren’t so much answers as they are responses. I cannot confirm that what works for our relationship will work for your relationship. I can only share our experiences, and if you find anything relatable, edifying, or helpful, then at least know you’re not alone. 

More than anything, whether you agree with what we have to say or not, we hope our responses to these questions will spark lively and deep conversations in your own relationship that will lead to further intimacy, vulnerability, and trust. 

How do you keep sex fun and exciting after being together for so long?

I don’t necessarily consider being married for seven years a long time, so this advice may run its course in a few years, but I do know a lot of readers look toward these articles for advice on sex, so I’ll talk about what I think is working for us now.

Of any recommendations I can give for keeping sex fun and exciting, the most foundational would be to create space in your relationship to talk about sex in honest and vulnerable ways with your partner.

If your discussions about sex are limited to right before or right after you have sex, then your sex life is probably running on autopilot – with diminishing returns. And this isn’t a baseless assertion. According to the Gottman Institute, couples who talk more about sex have a more satisfying sex life.

So, unless you’re so in sync with your partner that you border on telepathic, great sex requires great communication.

In most cases, I think a lot of people just don’t know how to talk about sex with their partner without feeling awkward, embarrassed, or shameful. This may sound counterintuitive – after all, shouldn’t it be easy to talk about sex with the person who regularly sees you naked?

For some people, the topic of sex might be wrapped up in past traumas or bad experiences. Beyond the mechanics of one body part entering another, sex talk can dredge up all kinds of insecurities, wounds, and shame-based anxieties. Many of us also don’t know how to talk about our desires, what turns us on, and what makes us feel good without fear of judgment or embarrassment.

So, if the thought of initiating a conversation about sex with your partner kind of freaks you out, don’t fret – there’s nothing wrong with you. I mean, when would you have learned how to have those kinds of conversations? It’s not something that’s necessarily intuitive or comes naturally.

But the good news, however, is that you can get better at communicating about sex. First of all, I highly recommend the book Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. It’s the most honest and raw how-to guide on talking about sex I’ve come across.

Second, when broaching the topic of sex and desire with your partner, here are a few recommendations to keep in mind:

• Always start with the positives. If you open the conversation with complaints and frustrations, your partner will likely become defensive and the conversation will devolve into an argument.
• Select an appropriate time. Don’t ambush your partner and make sure the environment and vibe are conducive to a productive conversation. For example, maybe over dinner and a glass of wine or on a quick staycation. Some of Shannon and I’s best conversations about sex happen in the car on long drives.
• Ask open-ended questions. Keep the conversation low-stakes and fun. Ask open-ended exploratory questions like “What’s your favorite sexual memory of the two of us?”, “What’s something about sex you know now that you wish you’d learned sooner?”, or “What’s something you like to try in the bedroom that you haven’t shared with me?” If you’re the initiator, be sure you have your own answers ready.

How do you incorporate new elements into your sex life without it being awkward?

Related Question: I’m a woman, and have yet to orgasm with my partner of over two years. In a previous article, you mentioned Shannon got a vibrator to help with that part of your sex life. What was that conversation like and would you recommend it to others?

Trying something new in the bedroom – whether you’re trying a new position, adding a sex toy, role-playing, etc. – will always be awkward the first few times. 

And that’s because you’re trying something new and people are rarely good at something they do the first time. So, you can’t let a fear of awkwardness deter you from experimenting in the bedroom.

We actually received several variations of this question, which tells me a couple of things:

1. A lot of couples want to try new things in the bedroom…
2. …but they don’t know how to introduce it.

I intentionally organized these questions about sex so that their answers would build upon one another. Therefore, being able to comfortably talk about sex and give and receive sexual feedback are great “stepping stones” to the “let’s try new things” conversation.

If you feel as if you’re both at this stage, then I highly recommend making this next step a joint venture between the two of you. Remember, the mindset should be “How can we make sex a more enjoyable and fun experience for both of us?”

Give each other permission to be weird and goofy. Withhold judgment and shame. Be open to shifting or flexing your comfort zones. And if you approach this stage as a learning experience, those “awkward moments” can be reframed as funny memories.

As I said above, learning what “works” for you and your partner will require some repeated trial and error. For example, when Shannon and I started using sex toys, it took some time to figure out how to best use them (and Shannon experimenting by herself without the pressure of me being there).

Practically speaking, if you’re looking to enhance your sex life with toys, accessories, or other sexual wellness items, we highly recommend the options available at Bellesa Boutique (and we’re not being paid to say that). The items are of high quality, the deals are good, and the inventory isn’t overwhelming or “sketchy.”

Also, it can be a lot of fun doing this type of online shopping together.  

We have a few different sex toys that create different sexual experiences depending on our moods. Having these kinds of options helps reinforce our mindset that sex should be a source of play and joy – rather than rote obligation.

Another great way to enhance your intimacy in the bedroom is to read a book together (like Sex Talks or Come As You Are) or go through a course or workbook together (highly recommend these from sex therapist Vanessa Marin). 

In short, explore, have fun, and find what works for you.

A very important note about consent: You and your partner have the right to reject and veto any sexual request or act for any reason at any point – especially if you or they find it demeaning, triggering, or painful. Learning and respecting each other’s personal boundaries is a vital and immutable aspect of any sexual relationship. Additionally, you should never compare and contrast your sexual relationship with another couple’s – what may be “vanilla” to you might be “extreme” to another couple (and vice versa). 

Shannon’s Take

I know too many women who have yet to orgasm with their partner or by themselves. I’d venture to say that the key factor to unfulfilled female intimacy is the mental battle in our own heads, and it might be filled with frustration at the time it took to reach climax (that was me) or your partner changing their pattern, or a whole myriad of thoughts about body image, past relationships, any insecurities, or anything. 

So ask yourself this, “How long do you think your pleasure is worth?” Or a better phrase – do you think you are worthy of pleasure? 

I felt that one way to combat my mental battles during sex, mostly disappointment in myself at the time it took to orgasm, would be to introduce a vibrator that stimulated the clitoris. On a scientific note, most orgasms are clitoris-stimulated, so if you want a more efficient and rewarding climax, ask your partner to focus solely on your clitoris.

If you are open to this, feeling empowered to receive regardless of any mental hurdles and knowing you’re worthy of a body-rocking orgasm, here are my suggestions:

First – Try things on your own first before trying it with your partner. Being comfortable with yourself first will make the first few times with your partner more at ease, and therefore more relaxed to enjoy intimacy together.

Second – Consider a location for a conversation that feels comfortable for you. You can ask your partner something like, “I’d really love to grow in our intimacy together and feel even more connected, and I would love for us to be on the same page. Do you think we could talk about making our sex lives even better tonight over dinner/during our drive to the store/etc,?”

I’m somehow who appreciates debriefing, and I typically like to communicate with Joe before I want to incorporate something different into our sex lives, right before we initiate, and then debrief our feelings, expectations, hopes, and anything that wasn’t beneficial. Over the years, I’ve let Joe know that long car rides are the best time for us to communicate well – because who wants to sit in the car angry at each other for hours if we don’t handle the conversation maturely? Communicating about your sex lives might feel like it could be a boring task, unnecessary, and pointless, but these conversations actually fire me up to refine what works for our own intimacy that constantly evolves.

Third – Be blunt. You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life and orgasms, and while women’s orgasms might not be nearly as frequent as men’s, if you’re feeling up to it, tell your partner. Chances are, your partner will love that you are so forthcoming and want to literally partner with you to reach orgasm. If not, your partner might have some unrealized issues that they might need to figure out best with a counselor. 

What’s the most important thing you’ve learned about sex since being married?

A few years ago, my and Shannon’s approach to sex underwent a paradigm shift that helped make these kinds of conversations a whole lot easier. I can’t point to a specific moment or event that precipitated this shift in thinking and expectation, 

Basically, instead of the Augustine mentality that sex is something married couples must do to alleviate lust and “prevent sin,” we adopted a more play-focused mindset that views sex as something we get to do to increase each other’s mutual happiness. 

This mindset change shifted the question of sex from “When and how often should we have sex?” to “What can we do to make sex a more pleasurable and fun experience for both of us?” 

Here’s what we’ve learned: Improving the quality of sex is more important than increasing the frequency of sex (and improved quality often leads to increased frequency). 

Since couples tend to fall into familiar sexual patterns that are hard to break, it could be helpful to declare a “sexual reset,” a time period when both of you are open to trying new things, receiving feedback, and basically starting fresh.

Once again, initiating a “sexual reset” doesn’t mean anything is wrong with your sex life, only that you’re both committed to getting better at something that’s important to both of you. 

Essentially, my answer to this question can be boiled down to a single maxim: Remain curious. Curious about yourself, curious about your partner, and curious about what you can continue experiencing together. Ask questions, read books, listen to podcasts – basically, don’t assume you have nothing left to learn or improve upon.

Is the “seven-year itch” a real thing?

Related Question: Do you ever feel tempted to cheat?

This question feels like a trap.

But, in all seriousness, it’s something more couples need to be more comfortable addressing.

For those who don’t know, the so-called “seven-year itch” is a popular notion that asserts that married couples begin experiencing increased dissatisfaction with their partner after about seven years into their relationship. Oftentimes, the seven-year itch is applied to a couple’s sexual relationship and used to explain (or justify) the beginning of an affair. 

First things first, there’s no serious research that confirms if affairs or divorce rates significantly increase at a relationship’s seven-year mark. However, I believe the implications of the seven-year itch are worth discussing. 

So, let’s get this out of the way: I haven’t cheated on Shannon. I’ve never placed myself in a situation to cheat on Shannon. And I don’t desire to cheat on Shannon. However, it would be foolish for me to assume that I’m incapable of cheating on Shannon now or in the future.

Let me explain. 

Several years ago, I attended a church where a married staff member had an affair with a college-aged intern. Of course, it’s easy (and appropriate) to be shocked and outraged at this kind of situation. When the news of the scandal was broken to a small group of volunteers, one of the church leaders took a couple of us guys aside to further debrief the situation. 

And he said something that always stuck with me:

“Ten years ago, when that man’s wife was walking down the aisle toward him in her wedding dress, the thought that he would one day cheat on her would’ve been unthinkable. Don’t ever assume you’re incapable of making the same mistake. The moment you believe you’re “above that” is the moment you put yourself most at risk.“

That statement wasn’t meant to excuse, diminish, or justify the unfaithful husband’s actions. It’s simply reality. Most people don’t enter into a relationship with the intent of betraying the other person’s trust. And most, I’d assume, would assert that they’re “not the kind of person who cheats.” Until it happens. (And even then, I think a lot of those people would have difficulty reconciling their expectations for themselves with the reality of what they did).

Here’s another truth bomb about marriage not a lot of people talk about: Even if you’re married, you will undoubtedly encounter people in your life to whom you 1) are attracted and/or 2) have great chemistry.

I think the seeds of many affairs are planted when people don’t expect this to happen. It’s like there’s this unspoken assumption that the part of your physiology that notices other people completely shuts down after the wedding ceremony. Therefore, when you do encounter someone with whom you “click” that’s not your spouse, it can be extremely destabilizing if you’re not expecting it to (occasionally) happen.

However, the best defense against an affair isn’t sequestering yourself off from other people or cutting off friendships with members of the opposite sex. The best defense against an affair is investing in your marriage – and part of that recognizing your capacity for having an affair. 

I don’t put stock in the statistical significance of the “seven-year itch.” I believe any year has the potential to be the best or worst year of your marriage – and some of those factors you can control and some of them you can’t. But owning your actions, acknowledging your fallibility, and setting personal boundaries can make all the difference in the world.

Have you ever been to marriage counseling?

Related Question: What did the conversations look like when Joe decided to seek professional counseling for anxiety?

While we haven’t been to marriage counseling or couples therapy, Shannon and I have both gone to therapy separately at various times throughout our relationship. For Shannon and I, working on ourselves has been the best way to work on our relationship. 

I’m not a professional (or even an amateur), but here’s what I believe: Most issues that arise in a marriage are often a result of unaddressed personal issues on an individual level. Healthy people create healthy marriages, and unhealthy people create unhealthy marriages. 

For example, when my struggles with stress and anxiety were beginning to affect our relationship in a negative way, I had to realize that the problem wasn’t our relationship, it was how I was manifesting my anxiety within our relationship. 

This isn’t to say I’m against marriage counseling – in fact, I think too many couples view marriage counseling as a last-ditch attempt to save their relationship and – as a result – hold off on it until it is the last-ditch attempt. 

To be honest, I was scared of going to therapy. I thought it meant I had given up and was a weaker man because of it. This is definitely a result of internalizing some masculine cultural script, but I thought I could solve my issues on my own. I couldn’t. Shannon actually had to come down pretty hard on me to get me to book my first appointment. 

Now, I’m a better man because of the six months I spent going to therapy, and nearly everything about Shannon and I’s relationship has improved since then. We remain steadfast advocates of mental health, counseling, and therapy, and we believe most – if not all – couples could benefit from pursuing therapy from a licensed professional.

What do you do if one of you isn’t in the mood for sex?

Related Question: Does one of you have a stronger sex drive than the other?

Outdated gender stereotypes would have you assume men are the ones always asking for more sex and that the woman is the one who more frequently has to submit or decline. 

However, in our personal experience and conversations with other couples, that’s not always the case. In fact, it’s about 50/50.

Look, there are times when I want to have sex and Shannon isn’t in the mood or unable to. Also, there are times when Shannon wants to have sex and I’m not in the mood or around.

Sometimes, a little bit of strategic foreplay is all it takes to get us on the same page. But, other times – like when Shannon’s on her period or my libido’s nosediving because I’m stressed – it’s just not going to happen.

In those cases, Shannon and I are totally fine with the other taking care of themselves through masturbation. I know some people may be scandalized by this admission (and others…not so much), but having and acknowledging our “alone time” hasn’t in any way detracted from our sex life. 

On the contrary, it’s actually enhanced our sexual intimacy and allowed us to be far more open about our needs and desires – without the specter of shame or guilt (or the pressure of always being in the mood at the same time as the other).

This approach may not be for everyone (though asking your partner if they masturbate could be a fun way of testing the “openness” of your relationship), but it works for us. 

How has traveling and moving affected your marriage?

I’ll break this answer down into two parts.

Part 1: Travel

Shannon and I love to travel. In fact, earlier this summer, we embarked on a month-long trip through Europe where we visited eight countries (so, yes, we were one of those couples who ruined your Instagram feed this summer).

Travel is very important to us as individuals and as a couple. We always have an upcoming itinerary brewing in the background, and we love leveraging credit card points to get the best deals (we use the Chase Sapphire Reserve card, by the way).

Travel can also be the perfect pressure cooker for a marriage. When people think about travel, they often don’t realize that a lot of travel involves A) waiting in lines, B) looking for a place to eat, and C) looking for a place to use the restroom. 

In other words, without the right mindset or expectations, travel will test your patience with one another in high-stress situations and environments. I wrote in one of my earlier marriage articles that Shannon and I tended to fight more frequently when we traveled, but we’ve definitely gotten better at anticipating the other’s needs, moods, and frustrations. 

For us, travel is one of our favorite activities to do together, and we’ve bonded our shared memories and experiences we could get nowhere else – be that in an Icelandic fjord or tent in the Colorado Rockies.

Shannon’s Take

I am someone who can let a lot slide while traveling, except if I get “hangry”. I turn into a whole new – frankly worse – person when I am hangry. Joe has gotten very good at having a snack on him for me when this happens, and I have communicated better with Joe if I start feeling like Roaring Monster Shannon might be on the horizon in a few hours. 

Part 2: Relocating

Shannon’s from California and I’m from Texas. We met while attending the same university in Texas, and we dated, married, and lived in Texas for a few years. Then, as a result of a job opportunity, we moved to Colorado.

I’ll be honest – moving away from my home state was a tough pill for me to swallow at first. I don’t really have any special affinity for Texas, but leaving behind the comfort and proximity of friends and family was no easy feat. 

Our decision to move from Texas to Colorado came down to two different (but intertwined) factors – political and environmental climate. We weren’t thrilled with the political trajectory of Texas’s legislature and policies in the aftermath of the 2016 election, and year after year we consistently felt miserable in the humid summer heat.

Shannon and I love the outdoors – especially hiking and camping – but we found ourselves retreating indoors to escape the oppressive Texas heat more often than not. As someone who acknowledges human-caused climate change, I don’t really believe this is an issue that’s going to “get better” in the future, and we want to grow and raise our family in a place with seasonal outdoor opportunities in protected wilderness areas. 

Though it was a big leap (at least for me), moving to Colorado was one of the best things we’ve done for our marriage. It forced us out of our comfort zones to make new friends and forge new experiences in a landscape that we love. 

No, moving doesn’t solve everything (as the saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are”), but we also believe that life’s too short to live somewhere you don’t love.

What has been the hardest part of marriage so far?

For me, the hardest part of marriage is watching your spouse suffer – physically, emotionally, or mentally – and knowing there’s not much you can do to help alleviate it.

I’m a fixer. I like finding solutions to problems quickly and efficiently. But, as any married couple knows, there are some things that a “fix-it” mentality just won’t solve.

Shannon has worked incredibly hard over the past couple of years. She basically “fell into” teaching a class of kindergartners at a charter school while also managing our wedding photography/DJ business. 

Here’s what I learned during that time: Teachers are woefully underpaid and underappreciated. Shannon would frequently come home from work frustrated and in tears over what had happened that day and, well, there was nothing I really could do to help her (beyond just taking care of household chores so she wouldn’t have to worry about that). 

The good news is that we’ve gotten our wedding company to a place where Shannon can transition to that role full-time and leave teaching behind. 

Likewise (and I’ll talk more about this in the response to a question below), watching Shannon struggle with endometriosis and fertility has also been difficult. Shannon was ready to start trying to have kids about a year or so before I felt ready (just me dealing with my own inadequacies and insecurities), so after reaching a place where we both feel like we’re ready and to run into a pretty major roadblock at the outset immediately isn’t an ideal sequence of events. 

Once again, this is something outside of my control (and Shannon’s, for that matter), but it’s hard for me not to feel guilty for not getting my shit together earlier. At the same time, Shannon’s fertility journey isn’t about me. It’s about us, and the best I can do now is support her during this season of life, comfort her when she needs it, and commit to continue to better myself for our future family.

Shannon’s Take

Spouses can be miracle workers for their partners by relieving the “mental load.” While I worked two full-time jobs, Joe worked remotely from home. It exhausted me to no end with the long list of chores, cleaning, and house renovations that needed to be done regularly. Joe unburdened me by taking on a lengthy list of my mental load – like all the general chores, laundry, dishes, grocery-shopped, and cooking dinner for me every night. 

I’ll forever be grateful that I have a husband that saw that lightening my mental load would be more beneficial for our marriage and my sanity during this season of life, despite how exhausted he probably felt too. 

If you’re in a season in which you can help your spouse relieve some of the mental load, without the need to remind them of the chores you did or to see what reward you might get, do it. The decency of selflessness and gratitude I feel towards Joe has greatly deepened my emotional affection for him, and it makes me eager to reciprocate the goodness he showed me.

If you’re ready, can you share how Shannon’s infertility struggles have affected your marriage?

Related Question: How has Shannon’s infertility journey affected your intimacy with one another?

A little bit of background before we dive into this question.

Shannon has always struggled with highly irregular and painful periods. While on her period, Shannon’s flow would be very heavy, and it’d be accompanied by debilitating cramps.

So, even before we started trying to get pregnant, we knew it’d probably be a bit of a challenge. But we were game, and we began trying in earnest last May. We took a brief hiatus in the fall to account for Shannon’s 2023 wedding season and many visits to doctors office’s for her pain, we resumed our carefree unprotected sex in January of this year. 

After a few months of no success, we decided to get serious and visit a doctor who finally took Shannon’s symptoms seriously. In March, during her spring break, Shannon underwent laparoscopy surgery in which she was officially diagnosed with endometriosis and had one of her fallopian tubes removed (because it was fully blocked).

In short, endometriosis is a chronic condition caused by the abnormal build-up of tissue outside of the uterus. When the female reproductive system is functioning properly, this tissue is broken down and flushed out of the uterus during a woman’s period. However, since the tissue is growing outside of the uterus, it has no way to leave the body and becomes trapped.

Unfortunately, endometriosis is one of the primary causes of infertility among women. It’s not impossible to get pregnant if you have endometriosis, it’s just more difficult. Therefore, the stakes to get pregnant during Shannon’s ovulation window are significantly higher than they would normally be for someone who didn’t have endometriosis. 

While having sex as much as possible within a specific time frame with the intent of pregnancy is a bit of a different “vibe” than having sex just for the sheer fun and pleasure of it, it hasn’t necessarily affected our intimacy with one another (besides having more sex).

For some couples who have wrestled with infertility for years, I know that sex can lose a lot of its allure, becoming more of a task than a diversion. Honestly, I can’t speak to that experience firsthand because we’re relatively early in this journey, but I can certainly emphasize with the roller-coaster of emotion every month without a positive pregnancy test brings.

One thing I think Shannon and I do pretty well is delineating between sex for the purpose of making a baby and sex for the purpose of play. While there’s not much of a difference between the ending of these escapades, it helps us set expectations and not lose sight of the fact that sex can be productive and fun. 

Shannon’s Take 

My infertility diagnosis came more as a relief than something tragic. After over a decade of body-crumbling pain and no answers, I was frankly relieved that I had a diagnosis that explained my symptoms and pain, and that I wasn’t crazy.

For pregnancy, we officially began attempting to track my irregular ovulation patterns in early 2022, but we had been having more carefree sex since 2020 when I began feeling the urge to begin our family. While it wasn’t a serious attempt of trying to get pregnant, I was confused that after nearly two years, I still wasn’t pregnant and I would have another Christmas without being pregnant or with a baby. 

In these two years, I also endured increased symptoms that were excruciating (I believe they were exasperated by a stressful three years of teaching Kindergarten during and post-COVID) and some symptoms were frankly alarming. I knew I needed to figure out my health and what was wrong with my body. 

Since 2011, I have been to seven doctors who blew off my pain as something typical and to basically get over it. From 2021 – 2022, after maxing out all the possible blood tests, thyroid biopsies, and prayers I can think of, I finally switched to my current doctor, who validated my feelings, frustrations, and fears. Medical gaslighting is a real thing, and for years, I wondered what the heck was wrong with me, and my doctor gave me answers. Endometriosis Stage II. That means that even though I have an infertility disease, I still have a small opportunity to maybe get pregnant. I might not, but I also might. 

So far, it has been discouraging to get negative pregnancy tests since the surgery six months ago. I know people try for a year, but selfishly, I feel angry that despite this surgery to have a “normal” reproductive system by removing this disease (that will continually and rapidly grow back) I am somehow still not pregnant. I will struggle with hopelessness and wanting to give up, only to feel a fire burn within me to keep fighting for that small opportunity to experience life grow within me. I assume I will struggle with bouts of depression with each period. 

However, my personality type needs something to look forward to (I’ve learned this about myself since I was 14 years old) so I plan to have specific projects and trips to help me during this time period of actively trying to get pregnant before needing another laparoscopy by summer 2024. 

Basically, I‘ll be planning ahead to make sure that I am open and honest with Joe and my close friends that have been checking in on me during this time, planning trips to celebrate that despite this disease, I am still relatively healthy and able to travel with the love of my life, and keep refining my own health to make sure my blood, hormones, mental health, and physical health are on track.

What’s one thing about marriage you wish you knew before you got married or learned earlier?

There’s a particular wedding ceremony ritual I’m not too fond of anymore. To be fair, I haven’t seen it done in years, and I know the intended meaning behind the ritual is good and beautiful. 

But, as someone who’s prone to overthinking and overanalyzing, it serves as an appropriate counter-illustration to what I’m about to share next.

The ritual is sometimes referred to as the “Unity Candle.” At some point in the wedding ceremony, the bride and groom light two candles at the altar. Then they use those two candles to light a bigger candle before blowing out the two smaller candles.

The two smaller candles are meant to represent the bride and groom’s individual lives, and the bigger candle represents their new shared life together. That’s not the part I have a problem with. It’s the blowing out of the two individual candles after the lighting of the bigger candle that irks me a bit.

I’m well aware of the poetic language of how – through marriage – “two become one flesh,” but I think we can take that metaphor too far and set up some expectations that do more harm than good. See, despite being married, Shannon and I are still two distinct people, with separate dreams, desires, interests, hobbies, preferences, opinions, priorities, and triggers.

Of course, there’s a lot of overlap – I don’t think a successful partnership can thrive without collaboration and a shared trajectory – but there’s still a lot of individuality present in both of us. In other words, those two smaller candles? They’re still burning bright.

I think too many married couples – especially early on – try too hard to align their personalities at the expense of their God-given uniqueness. I know this may sound counterintuitive at first, but accepting, encouraging, and championing each other’s individuality is the best way to forge unity in your marriage. 

I’m thrilled that Shannon and I are different people. That’s where the sparks, excitement, and mystery of a relationship reside. This doesn’t mean we don’t challenge each other to be better versions of ourselves, but we try to do so without the assumption that we should be the same person. Our differences are what makes our relationship so special. 

And it’d be foolish to sacrifice those unique qualities for the illusion of conformity.